10 lessons on love and life
The return of my column, 10 years later
Guess who is back, back again?
10 years ago, I started a little advice column on dating and relationships called ‘Guru Nandini Says’ in my high school newspaper. I thought it was hilarious, so did my friends. The trustees did not - so it got shut down after three weeks.
But now, I’m bringing it back.
As the founder of a dating app, SETUP (code is DINI, if you happen to be single), I get to talk to people about how they think, feel, and dream about love every single day. I’m learning so much, and each week I write about what has surprised, shocked, and moved me.
So, here are the 10 most important lessons I have learnt about love and life, in the 10 years since my last column.
Life is hard enough, love doesn’t need to be.
If you watch/read enough rom-coms, you start to believe there need to be dramatic fights, huge proclamations of love with a boombox, choreographed dance numbers, a lot of crying, screaming. and slamming doors, for it to be ‘true’ love. Why though? Life is going to throw cancer, climate change, career struggles at you - let your love be simple and light and happy. Spend more time laughing, and less time fighting.
Cut down your list.
You get five non-negotiables of what you want in your partner and that’s it. Pick them wisely and don’t settle for anyone who does not have this. When I ask people what they are looking for in a partner, people list the most unnecessary things. If you are 5”3, you do NOT need a guy who is at least 6”, use a ladder; your partner does not need to like the same books as you, you can join a book club; and no, your girlfriend is NOT going to do an ironman with you, but I’m sure the guy who spots you at Equinox will.
Therapy is the new 6’2”
It’s 2023, it’s cool to be in touch with your emotions. No one wants a guy who has not resolved his insecurities from being formerly a little heavy, or can’t stop DMing thots on IG because he still has commitment issues, or thinks that he needs to earn more than you, to feel like a man. Trust me, you do not want to be the one helping him through this. Pick a person to date, not a project.
Delete his number.
2 weeks after I met my now husband, my mother insisted that I delete my college boyfriend’s number. This is a man I would drunk dial whenever I had a fight in any of my relationships/situationships. That little piece of advice might be why I am married today. I used to try to keep in touch, but it’s like keeping a door open and you don’t need that. They are exes for a reason. However, I will say that I shamelessly sent a couple of my exes a link to join my dating app (oops) but technically that’s business, not pleasure.
Build your rituals.
No relationship stays perfect, you have to put in the work. But since all love stories end with a ‘they lived happily ever after’ and cut to end credits, we don’t realize that. Your relationship is going to have major downs, so make sure you are being thoughtful about creating moments of ‘ups’, The best things I do for my relationship - going on a weekly date night, spending a weekend away every quarter, just the two of us, and using a google doc to sort out our big disagreements. (weird but it works!)
The worst breakups are friend breakups.
When you get into a relationship, you know that there are only two options - get married or break up. With friendships, your expectation is that they last forever. I’ve had 6 relationships end, and none of them hurt close to as much as drifting apart from my best guy friend. Normalize talking about losing a friendship, giving yourself time to mourn, and remember that grief comes in waves, especially when Apple Photos decides to show a picture of “3 years ago today” of the two of you - it will hurt and its ok.
Stop telling your friend to dump his girlfriend.
We are way too old and way too stubborn to change our minds based on what our besties have to say. Even if she (or he) is the absolute worst, telling your friend that is only going to make them more defensive and hold on tighter to their partner, while choosing to keep you at a distance. Also if they end up married to this person, it is going to be SUPER AWKWARD for you to make a toast, if you have been talking shit and telling them to break up for years. There are times to shut up, this is one of them.
It’s ok to still have crushes.
There’s this bizarre idea that as soon as you get in a committed relationship, you suddenly stop being attracted to people around you. That is not normal, and it’s not even possible. You are obviously going to notice the cute DJ at Gospel, your friend’s friend visiting from Sweden or the new MBA intern on your team. It’s ok to flirt with them, everyone knows it’s about the power dynamic anyway. Just know your limits.
You will always make bad decisions in Paris.
You’re actually supposed to, it’s the unwritten rule. Go to that very sketchy party with strangers you met at Soho House, kiss your best friend, call your ex-lover and tell them to meet you there, eat that 4th croissant of the day. Everything goes, as long as it is in Paris.
Kissing is a handshake.
In 2013, I wrote “If you can remember the number of guys you have kissed, you haven’t kissed enough”. I was 17 at the time. I still stand by this advice. Kiss anyone and everyone. It’s not that deep. Besides, you never know who might be the Prince of Monaco, masquerading as a chauffeur. (I had to have at least one Gossip Girl reference!)
Ok signing off for now - tell me what you thought of in the comments! Or better yet, send in questions for next week, where we go back to the erstwhile format where I answer your questions with often helpful, but always hilarious, advice…
XO
Guru Nandini
This is so true! really enjoyed and looking forward to more