I'm basically Dakota Johnson (in Materialists)💌

Minus the perfect bangs, but just as obsessed with Math

I went to see the new a24 movie Materialists last night. And then promptly texted an ex this.

$10 to whoever guesses who this is

The movie hit very, very close to home. Not because I dated a man with a 12 million Tribeca penthouse and private equity job, but because Dakota Johnson is basically playing ME. I think I’ve said every single line in the movie. Multiple times. Should I be getting royalties?

For those who don't know me, I'm a NYC matchmaker who has:

• Handed out business cards to attractive strangers (yes, really)

• Have billboards with my face all over the city and subway lol

• Set up thousands of people (not an exaggeration) including 3 marriages with 2 more on the way (and counting!)

• Built Sitch, my matchmaking app that's about to blow Dakota's fictional 9 setups that turned into weddings out of the water

hopefully you have seen this…

So how accurate is Materialists about matchmaking? Eerily.

Men ALWAYS see age as a dealbreaker. Always. And they need—not want, but NEED—their partners to be better looking than they are. It's like some unwritten rule in the male handbook that their ego requires dating someone who makes other men jealous. (And the data behind the swipes points to this too!)

Women, on the other hand, have their own non-negotiables: height, hairline, and income level. I've had women who are literal brain surgeons tell me they won't date men under 6'0" because they "need to feel protected.” Lol okay. Though hairline has flexibility since it can be fixed with a quick Turkey trip.

Are these the ONLY things they care about? Of course not. But are they the first questions I get asked? Absolutely. And if you don’t check that box then they’re not interested in hearing more about you.

Dating is the most vulnerable thing we do as humans. When you're looking to find your person, you'll confess your deepest insecurities, hopes, dream and fears to anyone who might be able to help. People tell me things they wouldn't even tell their therapists.

It's even wilder with my AI matchmaker because people will say absolutely UNHINGED things they'd never admit to a human matchmaker. The screenshots I could share… (but won't because, you know, data privacy, ethics and stuff).

tough luck Daniel..

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Here's the thing about matchmaking: there's always math involved. Always.