It's Time to Spring Clean (Your Friends)

The hard truths about adult friendships

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships, not just because I am rewatching Sex and the City (yet again). And not in that cheesy Instagram reel way where we pretend that every friendship is this sacred, untouchable bond that transcends time and space.

No. I've been thinking about friendship in the way I think about my closet before summer - what's actually serving me, what's just taking up space, and what needs to be thanked for its service before being dropped off at Goodwill.

*me aggressively sorting friends into categories while drinking wine at 11pm*

We're OBSESSED with optimizing every other aspect of our lives. We track our steps, count our macros, Marie Kondo our apartments, and A/B test our dating profiles. But when it comes to friendships? We're supposed to just... keep them forever? Because we met in college? Or because you've known them for seven years so now you're contractually obligated to be in each other's lives until death?

That's bullshit.

I've had some truly eye-opening friendship moments lately.

Like realizing the conversations I’m having with certain friends have more silences than substance, more looking backward at shared memories rather than forward to new ones. And that I leave feeling drained, when I once looked forward to our long dinners.

Or the friends who have literally never once asked about Sitch. Not a "how's it going?" or "congrats on that thing you posted about!" Not even… a follow on the Instagram account. It takes TWO SECONDS.

Or the friend who makes you an afterthought when they're in town. Or the ones who commit to doing something with you and then backs out without explanation. Or someone you considered close, but decided to wait for them to reach out to make a plan - and 4 months go by, and they have not texted you once. It is death by a 1000 paper cuts.

But for every friendship that's slowly dying, I've had moments that remind me what real friendship looks like.

Friends who wake up at 7:30am on a Monday to see your subway ads. Friends who take 6am flights to get breakfast together. Friends who forward your app to people totally unprompted. Friends who cancel a date night without you asking because they know you are having a shitty day. Friends who check in before big days. Friends who plan their summer vacation days around your schedule.

The difference is stark. And it's made me realize I need a system for this. A framework. A way to think about who deserves space in my life and who... doesn't.

So I built this little quadrant of friendship types that everyone needs in their life:

find one in each + a sparkly unicorns

COMFORT vs. INSPIRATION

The comfort friends are your ride-or-dies. The ones you call when you're sad, bored, or just need someone to eat fries and ice cream with while watching The Bachelor. They're your 3 AM emergency contacts, your "I need to vent for 45 minutes straight" people, your “let’s have a NIGHT”. They make you feel safe because they allow you to be you.

The inspiration friends are the ones who light a fire under your ass. They're doing cool shit that makes you think "damn, I want to do that too." They push you, challenge you, and make you see possibilities you hadn't considered.

PERSONAL vs. PROFESSIONAL

The personal friends are your high-EQ confidants. The ones who know your deepest fears and wildest dreams. They're the people you process life with.

And the professional friends are the ones who GET what you do. They understand your industry struggles, can give you actual useful advice, and let you vent about work drama without having to explain what a "Slack thread" is.

Most friends are combinations of 1 or 2 of these traits. And if you're really lucky, you have a few magical unicorns who check all the boxes.

But here's where it gets real. Beyond the types of friends, there's the QUALITY of those friendships. And I've realized there are five questions that you need to be asking for every friendship.