The Ex Files

Here’s the data on break ups and make ups if you’re thinking of texting your ex

Ah it’s the first of September. Back to school, back to sweater weather… and back to ex season? In the last week, I’ve heard some crazy behavior of exes who are coming out of the woodwork. After a brat summer, we’re all settling down for a demure girl fall and who better to get cozy with than someone you know (and hate) oh so well. 

So here are the rules of ex season. 

1. We’re all thinking about them. When a Noah Kahan song plays, when you pass by your first date spot, when Apple decides to give you a blast from the past with their iPhoto memories. It’s so easy to remember the good, but before you act on those impulses try and remember the bad as well - how you hated their laugh, their mom, their insistence that kids can’t turn out fine without a stay at home mom. You broke up for a reason. Getting back together results in a break up 98% of the time. You’re not Chuck and Blair. 

2. But if nostalgia hits you hard, give them a little stalk. Last Monday at 7am on my way home from a club during my 100 hour bender to Ibiza, I decided to stalk my ex. I’m blocked on everything (oops) but not on YouTube so I did find a video of a podcast (public midlife crisis) he is doing …. which showed me he has not aged as well as I have in these last 9 years. You’ve changed and so have they. So stop sending them a chatty email every few years about nothing in particular, because if they reply… you’re not actually going to want them. 

   

   22% of people are liars.

3. If you can’t stop thinking about them, then block them. With the people who don’t matter you can stay in touch, it doesn’t cut deep. In fact it’s totally normal for them to ask you to set them up (shout out to three of my exes who have asked me to do this) and can wish them well on their wedding day and truly mean it (even if you were  snarking on their fashion choices with your best friend). But when you still care, and the pain is still raw, seriously just block them and don’t let your friends let you stalk them from their IG either. 

   

   64% would only say hi if they were looking hot tho

4. Check the calendar before you reach out. There’s a statute of limitations on hitting up exes. My high school crush had HIS high school girlfriend call him a few days ago and text him to get drinks and catch up. It’s been 11 years and 2 months since they broke up (I’ve been counting, not him) but it reeks of pure desperation to hit your ex up for drinks on a Wednesday more than a decade later. Next time you feel that urge, just download sitch instead.

   

   …… soul crushing….

5. Instead of sending your ex a text, try to stage a casual run in.