Why Men Marry Mid Girls
A shocking tweet from a Murray hill man might explain why my best friends are single
Like every other girl, I think my best friends are the absolute best. But no seriously, they are. They are smart, funny, gorgeous, interesting and dynamic. They have incredible jobs, are unbelievably qualified, and they have big dreams for all the things they’re going to achieve in life. But some of the best ones are single.
I’ve struggled to understand this. But then this tweet from a very questionable, very non Alpha male (since no one who feels the need to actually state that they are alpha) explained the mystery of the universe.
Men don’t want to marry my best friends. They want to marry mid.
Let me preface this by saying that this is not about all men. But it is about the generic Murray hill finance bro, and his close cousin the West Village still living in a frat house bro, and maybe even the Chinatown/LES 3 bedroom flex bro, and how they navigate the dating pool of this city.
In a city with 1 million hot girls, these men have the numbers game in their favor, and can date a shockingly large number of women. 9 out of 10 dates they go on will be with this exact kind of girl that our Murray Hill bro is describing. She wants a house in the suburbs of Jersey and won’t be upset when you build a ‘man cave’, wants to take care of the kids and the dog, can make a mean 7 layer dip for Sunday football when the guys come over, and enjoys her Pumpkin spice latter every fall. Her wants are very much within the range of what this guy can provide. She is generically pretty, you won’t remember her face but she has nice hair, and a nice smile, and dresses cute enough.
But if she was any higher on the scale, she would want to be a hot Tribeca mom with two nannies, a $5 million apartment, summers in the Hamptons and an extensive Botox-nail-hair budget - and that might be asking for way way too much from this guy’s career. And since men need to feel like they can provide, it is a safer bet to go with the beautiful mid who you will always be able to satisfy.
When these guys go on the 1 out of 10 dates with someone who has a razor sharp wit, is gorgeous and/or has a job they actually feel excited about, they find this woman way too challenging because they realize they’re going to have to keep up - with the banter, with the career, with the expectations of salary, of constantly leveling up. After a few dates, they decide maybe it is actually easier to want someone who will just want less from life, and from them. I’ve lived through this: one ex married a part time pilates instructor, another is seriously dating a dog walker in Colorado, the third broke up with me because I said I never wanted to stop working. I think they’re much happier now, and so am I. (Writing this laundry list reminded me how lucky I got to find my husband 6 years (!!) ago to this date - happy anniversary to us!! Woo)
And so, the banker marries the kindergarten teacher, Jett marries Pookie, and these other girls, who are interesting and smart, suddenly find themselves alone on a Saturday night wondering what went wrong. And then, the great transition to conformity begins. They decide to switch their outfits to sambas and cherry red sweaters, start discussing the Bachelor and Yankees on dates instead of the stock market and Socrates, lean out of their careers so they have more time to date, and finally, lower their expectations of what they want in a partner to just “he’s nice and would make a great dad”. Just think back to Andy Sachs giving up her career at Runway to chase A LINE COOK who can’t make it in New York. Are we striving for mediocrity because that’s what men want and need?!
But the real question is whether this sacrifice is all worth it. Maybe this works in the short run, when you’re chasing a mortgage and a house in the right kind of school district, and ferrying the 2 kids to soccer practice - and the to do list is so long that you are distracted from the fact that you never really fell madly deeply in love with your partner.
A marriage needs to be built on love, passion, mutual respect and a desire to keep pushing and growing together. Not just someone being “good enough”. It’s hard to fall in love with just “good enough” and to remember that when the kids have gone off to college, when its your 20 year anniversary and you don’t have that much to say to each other, when the 28 year old new associate in the office is looking great.
Maybe not marrying your equal is why we cheat… or why we swing. But more on that next week (foreshadowing hehe). In the meanwhile, tell me what you think in the comments section!
XOXO
Guru Nandini Says
I have a question. Is the implication that there is a signifivcant imbalance in NYC between available great women and great men. Defining "great as some combination of qualities that include intelligence, curiosity, attractiveness, kindness, and confidence. I ask this from the POV of someone who at 62 has been happily married for 40 years and having two of my three adult children married. My third child is gay, which i think is a different sort of dating market. So I have no first hand or second hand familiarity with the heterosexual dating market. Also, I'm a lifelong New Yorker.